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ToBeHappyy
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Name: ToBeHappyy
Gender: Female
Interests: People interest me
Expertise: I've yet to become an expert of anything, hopefully massage therapy, after I'm through school!
Message: message me
Member Since:
7/13/2009
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| This cant be happeneing, i keep closing my eyes really tight and hoping that when i open them everything will be back to how it should be. mom cant be dead. Rob cant be breaking up with me for another girl, not after more than two years. but she is. and he is. i feel so undeniably alone and lost. i havnt slept all night, and its now 730 in the morning, and im not even tired im ezausted from crying but not tired. i cant believe how i feel i feel like im 5 years old and somone has juts murdered my puppy right infront of my eyes. taking away my hope my dreams .. part of me. i miss my mom so ad it hurts, i wish she were here to help me with how im feeling about rob. but shes not. the thought of him grinding up on some girl and holding hands with her lastnight while i was tucked in my bed thinking of how great things would be when we saw eachother agina makes me sick. he makes me sick. but ... i still love him. im cutting him out of my life. he has done this to his past girlfriends too. give him 2 weeks at schhool before he is dating the whore, and i will not be in any part of his life. i refuse. although i truly dont believe he ever loved me. he keeps saying " this is for the best, its the easiest thing to do " wel newsflash love isnt about ' the easiest thing' its about love, conquuring your battles not finding some new hot piece of ass, realizing "hey this is better than what i have right now" and going for it. no. thats not love. In the whole 2 years i feel like he lied to me. never did he love me. he loved that i was there until something better came along. thats it. and yet i loved him with my evrything. i cant even imagine dating somoene els at this point while hes probably weighing his options ofwho to date next. i dont hate him, infact as much as it pains me to say it ill always love him. but i really really really really really dont like him. im sick to my stomache, i cant believe he would do this to me. the thing that gets me is he never wanted to go out with me, never wanted to go dancing, but as son as she mentions hey im going to the bar tonight hes all over her. just goes to show how unwanted i am. noone wants me. i dont even want me. i want a friend. i THOUGHT he was my bestfriend but seeing as how he already has a few of those he doesnt need me. i needed him. i still do. and he doesnt care about me in one nght he stopped caring about me. im that easy to let go of. i dont deserve to be held, i guess. orto be wanted. i wanted this forever. but i guess ive learned to never say forever. but he said it too. just another lie from those lips. | | |
| i want him to love me so badly it hurts.
i guess its true what they say that poeple cant love you until you love yourself.
if i could reach into a mgic hat and have one wish it would be that i couls love me JUST for him to love me.
i wish he would just say it.
but he wont. because he doesnt i dont think. not anymore..
and theres nothing i can do. sometimes this is how things work out.
people always try to tell me how strong i am losing two parents and being independednt. those people obviously dont know me. i need love i need nurturing, ive only ever been independent because i had to be if i had the choice i would have someone beside me everystep of the way, to hold my hand. i love to feel wanted and to feel like i make someoone happy.
but i dont.
i dont make people happy.
people dont love me.
i have so much love to give.
just give me a chance.
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| Rob is alseep in my bed right now, and he looks super cute.
I dont know how i would be right now with mom and everything if it weren't for him.
he makes everything easy, he makes it easy to live without worrying about tomorrow, and easy to accept change, he just makes all the bad things go away when i am with him.
He always knows exactly what to say, and when saying nothing is better than talking.
If he had not been by my side this past week i would have broken down a lot more than i have, i know the time will come when it will all hit me at once.. but that is to be expected.
i have cried a few nights but i keep reminding myself, she is no longer in pain.
these last few months she was barely living, mom loved to go out, and do things, she loved to shop, and be with her friends, heck, she even enjoyed housework and making things look nice, and she couldnt do any of that, and it broke my heart to see it in her eyes that she wished she could. i know wherever she is. whatever happens after death, it has to be better for her than what she was going through.
i love you mom,
and i love you rob.
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| mom passed away the morning before last.
i don't want to talk about it.
i just wanted to write it down. and look at it.
try to accept it.
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| So mom is asleep now,
she has been sleeping all day.
she will be asleep from now on.
i started to wonder if it was okay for her to be sleeping that long.. i kinda wanted to wake her up and talk to her a bit. but that wont be possible.
ever again.
i wish someone would have told me.. said anything. i dont find it fair for me to have not been told.
what if i wanted to tell her i love her one more time?
if your not understading this, they basically put my mom to sleep until she "dies" because that is what everyone expects her to do. to die. everyone has given up on her, its like they decided overnight that this is the end.
apparently mom asked to be sedated so she wouldnt know it was happeneing. and everyone knew that is what she wanted.. i didnt? i would have talked to her one more time! i would have let her know how she has been great that i love her.. that i forgive her for anything she feels bad about and that i am sorry about everything i have put her through. but i cant. i simply cant.
my head feels heavy and i wish i could cry more than i am because i desperately feel the need to, but i a almost angry more than i am sad. not that noone told me about the permanent sleep. but that this happened. why. why do i have to have no parents. is it a selfish thing to do? to wonder why my life is constantly shitting on me? well im sorry if you feel it is. but i have to wonder how some people get it all and some people dont. i know i have been taught since i was born "life isnt always fair" but i had learned to accept that i wouldnt have a father ever again, but i had a mother, i was okay. altough i miss him everyday i was okay. now take away my las parent. my only parent.
when i get married, noone can give me away.
when i graduate college noone will be there to say " im so proud of you, ive watched you grow so much"
my children will never know their grandparents.
if i ever have another boyfriend ( i hope i dont) he will never get to meet my parents.
well mamma, because i didnt get to say it;
i love you,
thank you for taking care of me,
for providing me everything i needed, even when you couldnt afford everything you needed
thank you for laughing at my dumb jokes,
for comming home from the store and suprising me with candy,
thank you for always thinking i was smart even when i came home with a failed test for you to sign,
thank you for taking me to the hospital when i drank to much, for grounding me for months! and then laughing about it with me later.
tahnk you for everything!
i know i wasnt always the easiest to get along with and i have said such mean things to you. but i do that all the time, i talk without thinking, if i could take everything mean i have ever said to you back, i would i most definately would ! but i cant, but i know you loved me, you showed you loved me. and i love you. and i know your comfortable now, and asleep. and if thats what you said you wanted, im glad it gets to be that way.
goodnight mommy, i love you.
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